he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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