Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
