This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I did not marry a roomba.
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