I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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