i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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