I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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