I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
