why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I will be naked everywhere
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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