singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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