erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
