The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Randomize
