I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
