good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize