Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize