porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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