I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
