When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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