it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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