I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
