It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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