My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
