I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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