i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
