I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
