I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Randomize
