I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
