Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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