i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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