I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
