I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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