Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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