Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
