So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
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