i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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