we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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