checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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