Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
