I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
