My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
