Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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