I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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