Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
