I just saw a hot homeless man
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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