a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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