I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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