when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
