Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
