I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
