cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize