sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
