I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
