you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
