Someone shit on the floor
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize