so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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