So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
