If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
