Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I'm getting married
To pizza
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
